This Is How It Feels To Be In Love With Your Best Friend

I’m going to dwell on every little eye glance. On every touch, every attempt to pin me against the counter and whisper songs into my ear while you slightly brush your beard up against my neck. I’m going to dwell on the times I asked how your day was and you replied with, “Better, now that you’re here.”

I’m going to catch myself staring at you while you’re blissfully unaware and trying to get that essay done before midnight. I’m going to play songs on repeat that remind me of you—the ones that mirror how I’m feeling about you and about “our situation” at the moment, switching between sexual frustration, thankfulness, and utter hopelessness. I’m going to tell a couple of absolute close friends and a couple people who will never meet you about how I feel about you. I will tell my therapist about how I can’t tell if you’re just so comfortable with me because we’re best friends and whether or not you might actually be hiding those feelings by joking about them. I’ll convince myself there’s no way you could possibly joke this much without possibly being serious about it. 

I’ll get all breathy and heady when you pull my head into yours so our noses touch while you stare into my eyes. I’ll tell myself you’re just really theatrical and like being funny and try to make your friends laugh. I’ll remind myself you’re like this with most girls, and that I shouldn’t take it personally.
I’ll realize after you sleep with a random girl at a party that just because we’re best friends doesn’t mean I’m immune to feeling hurt. I’ll finally understand all those warnings about getting involved with a friend or someone you’re close with, because it changes your relationship forever. I’ll try to trick myself into thinking we can still be best friends without it ever becoming a problem for me.

I’ll pull myself into a deep hole, I’ll wallow in self-pity. I’ll attempt to slow it down at first, recognizing the acceptance of it actually means what I feared to be true. I’ll find a song that I didn’t know had so much depth and meaning and listen to it for 24 hours straight by making a one-song playlist of it. I’ll be incredibly distant for about a day or two until I realize I’m the only one allowing you to have this much control over me.

I’ll drink a lot more red wine than I usually do for about a week straight, smoke more than I should, and look up related articles online about “how to tell your best friend you love them.” I’ll scrutinize every one of our encounters, trying to make them as flirty and suggestive as possible. I’ll wonder if I’m ever going to be loved back, if my efforts will ever be reciprocated, if I’ll ever be on the receiving end of these songs about passion that I’m somehow completely drawn to.  I’ll accept a friend’s offer to go out on a Tuesday night, to wear my new pants that make my legs look miles long, the ones I couldn’t manage to wear out this past weekend because I got too drunk and fell asleep at my friends’ house. I’ll get too drunk off red wine—again—and hope that you’re not out, too. So you don’t see me. So you don’t have to think I’m a mess.
I’ll scold myself for letting these feelings wander, for not stopping them when they began. I’ll scold myself for thinking I could enjoy the daydream just as a means to keep my mind busy during the day, as a tactic to seem uninterested when I meet other guys out and hopefully attract them by my indifference. I’ll realize this all doesn’t matter and that I can’t control my feelings.
I’ll learn that feelings aren’t meant to be controlled.
I’ll learn to sit with them, these feelings. I’ll learn how to sit in my own uncomfortableness, in my own awkwardness, in my own grief. I’ll probably still think about you all the time, wondering how the sex would have been and how much I would have liked hanging out with your mom over holidays. I’ll tell myself it just wasn’t meant to be and that something else will come along.
And something else might. Something else probably will. But if and when the time comes that I’m not simply daydreaming about loving you anymore, I’ll be there for you.

10 Ways Not To Break-Up With Her

I have been through my fair share of breakups as well as listening to countless breakup stories over endless tubs of Ben & Jerry’s. Through all that, I realized that more often than not, men tend to be pretty clueless and cruel when it comes to breaking up with their significant other. In order to save my fellow women from further emotional pain, here is a list that I have compiled (in no particular order) on ways I think a guy should never end a relationship with a girl.

1. Don’t lead her on.

So you are already set on breaking up with her. Don’t make it harder for her by making her believe that you still love her with all your heart. Don’t buy her stuffs. Don’t pay for her meals. Don’t try to be the perfect boyfriend. It does not make things easier for the girl. You are not doing damage control. You are being an asshole.

2. Don’t go on a holiday together and then proceed to breakup with her.

You have decided that you do not love her anymore. The worst thing you can do to your almost-ex-girlfriend is to bring her on a holiday to “rekindle” whatever flame that the both of you have only to breakup with her in a foreign land where she has no friends, no support – NOTHING; especially when said holiday destination is number one on her wish list.

3. Don’t breakup with her in front of your friends, on foreign land.

What kind of person would do that to someone that he loves, or in this case, loved? Just imagine the embarrassment that you will feel if you got caught with your trousers down; now multiply that by 20 or even 100 times. That is the amount of embarrassment a woman would feel if you broke up with her in front of your friends. She would have to act like she is perfectly fine, calm and collected, when deep down inside, her heart is slowly shattering into a million different pieces. To top things off, she won’t be able to tell a soul about it to ease her pain because a) she is with YOUR friends; and b) she is in a foreign land, surrounded with YOUR friends.

4. Don’t have sex with her and then breakup.

A woman is willing to give up just about anything for the man that she loves, literally ANYTHING. When she makes love to you, you better believe that she means it. So men, even if you don’t love your girlfriend anymore, at least have the decency to control your member and refrain from having sex with her and then afterwards tell her that you do not love her anymore. You are a sorry excuse for a man and she deserves someone better than you.

5. Be honest with her about things – DON’T beat around the bush.

If you don’t love her anymore, then be honest about it. It is not an easy feat but breaking up has never been easy now, has it? Don’t drag the relationship on for six months, trying to be normal, only to tell her that you have lost feelings for her a long time ago. Once you realize that your feelings for her have diminished, talk to her about it. Don’t make up excuses like “You were busy and I did not want to disturb you”. If she really cares about this relationship, she WILL make time for you. She deserves to know what is going on at your end too. It is a two-way relationship, after all.

6. Don’t introduce her to family friends.

You already know that you are going to breakup with her. Don’t plan lunch dates with your mother’s friends or anyone significant in your life. She will take it as a sign that everything is going well with the both of you and feel secure. So the moment you drop the b-bomb, she would be completely clueless, disoriented and vulnerable.

7. Don’t go on breaks.

You either BREAK UP or you don’t. Breaks are not only a waste of time but they usually end with a breakup anyway. So stop wasting time and effort and either choose to stay together or just breakup. If you love her enough, you would stay and try your best to patch things up.

8. Stop contacting her.

So, the both of you have just recently already broken up. You text her only when you need emotional support. You call her when you feel lonely. You tell her your problems and when she responds with a long ass-ed text, trying to lift your spirits, you don’t bother replying. So, is she your emotional booty call now? Does it make you feel like a man? Are you happy with what you have done? Just save her the additional pain and leave her alone. By doing so, you are actually doing her a very big favor.

9. Don’t tell her the relationship is lackluster and disappear.

Do not lie in bed with your girlfriend, hold her and tell her that you think the relationship lacks luster, and then proceed on a two weeks hiatus to Fiji, where you refuse to contact her to tell her that you are safe and sound just because you wanted some time away from her to think things through. First of all, she deserves to know that you are safe; and secondly, the both of you have been together for more than two years! Of course the relationship is bound to lose the spark that it had at the very beginning.

10. Don’t tell her that you are only attracted to her looks.

No matter how drunk or high you may be, these words, once uttered, can never be taken back. They will scar her for the rest of her life. She would think of herself as an empty shell, a dumb blonde that you only loved for her good looks. It is one thing to break a woman’s heart but another to completely shatter her self-esteem. You are a sorry excuse for a man and you should be castrated.

8 Types Of Songs For The Best Breakup Playlist You Will Ever Listen To

Earlier this year I got my heartbroken for the first time. I don’t mean the angst and tears that come from breaking up with your significant other— the death of any relationship is hard. I had broken up and been broken up with by other men before, but this was different. This time I got dumped. I don’t mean getting dumped in a casual he doesn’t text you back kind of way. I mean getting dumped so hard it hits you in the face. Getting dumped so hard it causes the kind of pain that turns you into a sobbing train wreck that believes Taylor Swift is talking about her. The kind of pain that comes from realizing maybe you were actually— at least a little bit— in love. The kind of pain that makes you feel a physical pain in your chest when you hear their name. The kind of pain that makes you feel like you will never be ok again.

In the last few months, I’ve had to learn how to deal with the strange, intense and crushing feelings that come with genuine heartbreak. One thing that has really helped me is this playlist. Losing yourself in music when you are too broken to feel anything else can be a very powerful, healing thing.

1. The song that makes you cry

Sometimes a good deep cry can be very healing. This song in particular spoke to me in the first few weeks after my breakup. I found myself missing the small things about him the most—the touch of his hand, his art that I never really liked, watching Netflix together, etc. This song expresses the emotion of that heartbreaking realization that you will never have that same sort of intimacy with that person ever again.
Too much to ask- Arctic Monkeys

2. The song that makes you think of them

This can really be any song you associate with them. I remember buying this album because he recommended it, and listening to it in his arms one night not long after we started seeing each other casually. DELETE THIS. It is not healthy to listen to this. All it does is remind you of what you lost, and makes you build up a nostalgic picture in your head of what your relationship was. And it will make you cry in public when it comes on your ipod randomly.

Ends of the Earth – Lord Huron

3. The song for when you claim you’re over them but you’re really not

This is the song you play on repeat because you think it makes you stronger. You think you are finally letting go of them. You are finally starting to get that they don’t want you anymore, and maybe you can deal with that. Trust me, if this is the song you are playing on repeat you are not quite ready to deal yet, but acknowledging that they are not the one for you no matter how much you want them is a good first step.

You’re not the one – Sky Ferriera

4. The song for when you’re “over them” but would still trade your left arm to be with them one more time

I remember hearing this song for the first time right after telling a friend that I was totally over it and realizing that maybe I wasn’t. This song made me realize that maybe it wasn’t even him as a person that I missed, but our relationship as a concept. I missed the comfort, the intimacy, and as much as I tried to let go I still wanted to be held one last time. Reveling in the emotion and angst was important for me in to get on the path to healing.
Blue- Marina and the Diamonds

5. The song for when they want to be friends and it’s too hard

I remember my ex showing up at my door around 3 months after dumping me, taking back everything he had said and promising that he wouldn’t’ t leave me again. That lasted for about 8 hours. The next day he decided we would be better off as friends, and for the next two agonizing weeks I tried to interact with him while feeling like I was constantly being kicked in the face. These weeks made me realize that I was not the reason for what he did. It really wasn’t about me, it was about him and his own issues. It took away the rosiness of nostalgia and hindsight, and made me see that I deserved to be treated better than he treated me. I knew I had to let go, even though it was painful, because hanging onto him was going to destroy me.
About you – San Cisco

6. The song for when you can’t stop thinking about them months later on

The Wombats have been my favorite band since I was fifteen. Their new album— Glitterbug—came out two months after I had been dumped and it was honestly a savior. This song in particular was great because it helped me recognize I was angry. That I didn’t just miss my ex, but that I was also furious at him for the way he had treated me. I was furious at myself for not being able to get over him. The inability to get someone out of your head is like a literal war, and this song is the battle cry.
Headspace- The Wombats

7. The song for when you are ready to start moving on

Hear me out, this sounds like a very angry obsessed with your ex kind of song. And it is. But listening to it on repeat meant that I had finally gotten to the place where I didn’t blame myself for what happened anymore. The places were I could think of him without it destroying me. The place where I realized that I could really accept that it wasn’t my fault. That even though I still thought of him, it didn’t mean I was weak. It meant I was human, and in someway it was good because I finally could see him for who he really was.

Think of you – MSMR

8. The song for when you really can move on…

I heard this song for the first time on the bus the other day and started to laugh. When you’re heartbroken it feels like you will never be able to connect with anyone ever again. That you aren’t good enough , pretty enough, smart enough, or just enough to be worthy of anyone’s attention or love. It takes a long time for those feelings to go away, and I’m still struggling with them. But there is relief; it really does get to a place where it’s manageable. Over time you get to a place where you can hear this song, and think that maybe there is someone else for you out there. Love with any stranger, the stranger the better is possible. You can forgive yourself for falling for them, for getting heartbroken, and you can move on. There is hope.
Someone New- Hozier

This Is Why The Travel Craze Needs To Take A Step Back

We’ve all been there recently. Innocently scrolling our news feeds to only come across another post about someone’s far-off travels. It leaves us feeling envious, to say the least. But this is exactly where I think the modern definition of traveling is getting it all wrong.

Traveling used to be something you told stories about. Occurrences on the road happened by chance, not by seeking them out manually to make for a killer Facebook post. Trips used to be about sharing experiences and remembering, not for making artsy pictures. This new idea of traveling has slowly morphed itself to a standard of image, projecting itself onto our small screens. People travel to say they’ve been somewhere exotic, or to say they grew as a person. But is this really why travel is important? Since when did the notion of traveling become our obsession instead of the actual action of falling off the grid?

Young people are faced with this current “travel craze” the most. Not only is it flooding our Instagrams, but it’s plastered on Pinterest in quote form, written on our coffee mugs, and covering the fronts of our journals. The need to travel is prompted as is if it has to happen right this second…as if travel is supposed to be something instantaneous and ready to be exploited. More than often, it leaves us feeling disappointed within ourselves; society assumes that if you can’t travel at this moment in time, we never will. Not only are we pressured to travel, but we are even more pressured to post about it.
Believe me, I’m an advocate about getting outside of your comfort zone and traversing the world, but I’m even more an advocate of doing for the right reasons. I imagine it would be difficult for someone our age to go somewhere, without letting the masses know about their whereabouts, happenings, and deep philosophical realizations along the way at every waking moment. People often forget that even though they crave to get lost, they never fully allow themselves.
Not everyone can afford to just pack up and go, which is where the lack of travel appreciation is lost, and more envied. Just like many things in life, travel takes time and patience; it’s this annoying fact that paves the way for an even more unforgettable travel experience that can be remembered, not shared via the Internet.
Keeping in touch with friends? Fine. Letting your family know you are safe? Even better. But remembering that travel is more about the experience and less about how many likes you get on a photo…now that’s a dying art.

This Is What Happens When You Love A Writer

I’ve seen a lot of back-and-forth here lately about the merits and drawbacks of dating a writer. Whether it’s good or bad, whether it will end well or poorly for those involved. And, well, I don’t know. I really don’t. I am a writer. I’ve never dated one. That would be a bad idea.

I can’t tell you whether dating a writer is a good or bad idea. All I can say with any certainty is what, roughly, will happen to you if you love a writer.

Love a writer, and you love a wondrous, broken, fragile thing. A creature who has with their own two hands pulled down those structures protecting them from the outside world, in order to better see it, feel it, capture it. They had to, but sometimes that means that the world is too big, too loud, too bright, too close. Sometimes they have to shut it all out. Sometimes, that will include you – don’t take it personally. Sometimes, though, it won’t include you. Sometimes, they’ll shut everything else out with you on the inside. Take that personally. It’s a big deal.

Love a writer, and yes, every day will be something different. Some days dishes won’t get washed and sweatpants won’t get changed out of and conversation will be in short supply. Some days are procrastination days – these days are for spring- (or fall- or summer- or winter-) cleaning and grocery shopping and god-please-just-anything-but-writing. Use these days to your advantage. They can be fun. Some days are writer’s-block days. These are days to duck and cover. Believe me, they are sorry, or they will be eventually.
Love a writer, and you’re signing up to have an opinion about everything. Plot lines and plot holes and plot bunnies, character concepts and character development and character names, or imagery or rhyme schemes or references. If you have an opinion, offer it. If not, well, secretly they don’t always need you to actually have an opinion. There will be days when they just need to talk. About everything. Possibly twice. These are days when everything gets trapped up in their heads and something’s clogged between the head and the pen and the only other option is it comes spewing out their mouth. Sometimes brains just need an external hard drive. Listen. Nod. It’ll be okay.
But more than all that, more than anything, be loved by a writer. Because it’s true when they say that you’ll never die. Whether you know it or not, whether they know it or not, some part of you will get written down eventually. You’ll be somebody’s back-story or somebody’s someday or, heaven help you, a real proper character. Some part of your self will live on in their words until never dawns – but that isn’t the best bit. The best bit is that you will be known. Memorized. Understood, probably more than at any other time in your life. A writer trains their mind to create three-dimensional people, people who have flaws and motivations and backgrounds and demons, so a writer understands that people are three-dimensional. Lots of folks trip through this life only ever seeing shadows and obstacles and step stools and stereotypes and their own reflections – a writer doesn’t have that luxury. A writer knows that real people can’t exist within expectations and on top of pedestals; they will always, always fall.
Be loved by a writer, and you will be understood, even if only because they know just enough to know that they will never, quite, fully, understand you.

Waiting For You To Come Home

“I used to build homes out of people. I sought safety in their arms and when they left, like most people do, I felt homesick for a place that no longer exists. But, I have learned to stop finding shelter in other people and built my own. They are now just a stain on the wall, an uninvited guest and I am no longer an open door that is waiting for them to come home.”
That is what I wrote on my blog almost a year after you left (without a word, without closure, without even a sign that you were leaving me behind) and though I thought it to be true at the time, I know now that it is a lie.
You are a stain I don’t want to paint over, or wash out, or ever get rid of, even when my mother offers to do it for me. I just tell her that I’ll get around to doing it eventually, but we both know I never will.
In refusing to doing so, I let myself hold onto the idea of you for a little while longer, even though you found it incredibly easy to let go of me. Forgive me if I cannot do the same. So, I’ll keep stains on the wall and dusted photo frames and shirts that no longer smell like you because holding onto the idea of you doesn’t hurt as much as trying to let go of you entirely does.
It’s just that, you never said goodbye, and maybe that is why there are some nights where I wait for you by the door or expect every call to be from you, because you never said goodbye, I’m still waiting for another hello.
I’m still waiting for you to come home.

This Is How Going To Italy Taught Me What Traveling Is Really About

There’s a difference between vacationing and traveling that most people don’t understand until they’ve been submerged in the two. When someone goes on a vacation even though they may be in a new time zone they never leave the comforts of home behind, and there is nothing wrong with this. It’s actually really nice, you stay with your routines, and enjoy things within your comfort zone and stay content the entire time. Traveling on the other hand is a whole other experience, and I don’t mean traveling in the sense of getting from one place to another, but actually allowing yourself to experience the differences on a foreign place; food, language, customs, sights, etc. you try to become one of the locals, blend in with your surroundings. You open up your mind, body and soul to this new place, in exchange for learning something new about yourself.

I’ve seen some absolutely breathtaking sights since I’ve been here. Italy is full of gorgeous architecture and history. It displays how skilled the human race has been in art and engineering for centuries, the capabilities we have had for hundreds, even thousands, of years is often unappreciated or not realized until it’s right in front of you. The dedication, effort and pride it took to create such masterpieces is astounding, and leaves you feeling so small in comparison to something so impressive.  Families live in homes that hold stories of multiple generations, having a green thumb is taken seriously and is shown throughout the entire country with vineyards and gardens, even in the cities. The abundance of history that pours out of every corner can be overwhelming to take in, and although impossible, you try to catch it all.  These characteristics are just a few that make Italy unique, beautiful and a place sought by so many to experience.

During this trip to Europe, I discovered the difference in “vacationing” and “traveling” in ways I never have thought before.  At one point on the trip John said, “I’m happy that your trip hasn’t been all sunshine and glitter and you’ve been able to experience how Italy really is.” The humidity was miserable and with temperature reaching the high 90s it made it that much worse, the cities are crowded and personal space is practically nonexistent. Change for €20 was hard to come by, along with more than three ice cubes for your drink. The comfort of air conditioning is lost due to the age of the buildings, leaving a window and a stroke of luck for a breeze your best bet. I’ve taken every form of transportation since I’ve been here; train, bus, taxi, boat, and plane, even all in the same day to get to our destination. I’ve been tired, grumpy, overheated, and in pain all at the same time. I haven’t styled my hair once, my feet have blisters and I’ve been sunburnt. All these factors have tested us all individually and as a group, but remembering being uncomfortable is temporary got us through.

People tend to forget that beyond the pictures we find on the Internet that showcase images of beautiful sunsets, astounding architecture and mouthwatering cuisine, that Italy is a real place. We don’t take into consideration aspects of life that are unpleasant, such as a busy street, food that isn’t what we expected, or an unfriendly stranger. However, you have to take it for what it is and find the beauty anyways, because it’s always to be found. If I’m being honest, there were moments of my trip I was wishing it was over and I was back home, but then we would see a painting, ruins, scenery, even this little girl on her bike, that would turn my mood around, reminding me how thankful and blessed I am to be here. It’s ok to miss the comforts of home, that’s normal. I’m just happy I didn’t let this get the best of me, because in the end everything we went through was all worth it.

Italy, you are absolutely beautiful. Thank you for letting me see your sights, and experience your culture. I’m able to go home with new insights, and a broadened worldview, which is priceless. I’ll end with this quote by Anthony Bourdain: “Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts; it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave behind something good.”
I couldn’t have said it any better myself.